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I will start with the happy ending. In the last month our son, Sean, age 16, has competed in a music contest receiving a superior rating on his solo piano performance. He also competed in a choir solo and group performance receiving two superiors. He arranged two pop songs for piano then played and sang at his high school Snow Week talent show receiving a standing ovation from the audience (students) and declared the winner. According to preliminary PLAN testing he is on target to score as high as 33 on his ACT and he should earn his Eagle Scout Award a year ahead of his brother.

Sean has Asperger’s. Or is that Had Asperger’s? It is very hard for us to tell anymore. I hope this story will offer some hope for those parents who are willing to love their children unconditionally, nurture them unfailingly, and believe that we all have a place in this world.

Sean is our third child. He has an outspoken older sister – state competitor in track, homecoming queen; an introspective older brother – Eagle Scout, bass player in a band. We, his parents, are college graduates – self employed professionals. We are junkies of ‘positive mental attitude’ with our mantras being “there is no difference between the mind and the body” and “whether you think you can or think you cannot – you are right.” We have seen most of the big names in that industry: Chopra, Dyer, Canfield, Tracy and others. We were all of this before Sean was born, thank you God.

Sean had tendencies at an early age: he would not step on the cracks in the sidewalk, he would only wear sweatshirts with hoods and most of the time he had them up. He pumped (flapped) his fingers at most things he watched. He did everything in a routine. He hated bugs! And loud noises.

He had a very hard time with transitions – any transitions, places, people, clothes, food, everything. He had tantrums.

But he loved books, music and games – logic and spelling games on the computer at a very young age were his favorite. He could make his way through the steps of any game and could spell virtually anything. We discovered he could read when he was 3. When listening to music we would ask him “what note is this song?” He would go to the piano and without hesitation plunk the key that the song was in, also when he was 3.

When we discovered something called Asperger Syndrome we were terrified. Of course he had this! He had most of the signs & symptoms. What do we do?! Well, our beliefs and training told us to focus on the positive. Sean had so many positive qualities. Maybe he really didn’t have this Syndrome… then, yes, he really does.

We did not seek any medical advice. Not to diagnose, treat or even to ask questions. We sought out no help, no medication, no alternative care treatments, no parent groups, no books, not even any seminars or tapes. We went forward with these thoughts: Sean is our son and we love him just as he is. He has so many wonderful qualities and talents we are going to focus on them and deal with the rest keeping this in mind – Sean is our son and we love him.

We would be lying if we said everything went great. School was a challenge in the social aspect, which is classic. Sean had a great friend early in elementary school, but once they hit middle school his friend realized he could have just as much fun with kids who played sports and didn’t get so upset at seemingly small things. We confronted each issue as it came along doing the best we could to find a resolution he and we could be happy with, if even just for a moment. We had to be brutally honest with Sean at a young age. In third grade he was having break downs at school and the teacher called our home several times. Finally, we sat with him and said “Here’s the thing – we know the naughty kids make you mad, we know you don’t like milk, we know you know all the answers, we know you hate gym, and everything else but you have got to make it through the day without falling apart. You have to. Mrs. Smith’s job is to teach all the kids. You have to let her do her job. Your job is to do all the tasks she asks of you, the ones you like and the ones you don’t like. Our job is to love you and we do! We don’t want to say this, but you have to hold it in. You have to.” The teacher did not call again.

Over the years we have learned to help Sean deal with things one at a time and that seemed to help but we chaperoned most school trips just in case. We adjusted our working hours so dad could take the kids to school and mom could pick them up and one of us was always home. This reaped rewards beyond measure with our other children as well. As Sean matured he learned, with some help from us, to acknowledge when things started to bother him – even the kids at school learned that if he just had a second to decompress he could go on. That all seems like ancient history now. I suppose if we had written it all down we would have proof of how very difficult it was at times. The times we cried and broke down ourselves. But we didn’t keep track of the bad, only the good. Always, always, we focused on the positive – music, books, scouts. Family.

Tonight Sean will drive himself to church for Confirmation practice and after he and some friends will head to Subway to eat. So, it’s like this – does he or doesn’t he? If he was never diagnosed then maybe he never needed a cure. So we just don’t mention it. And everyday he still hears I love you.

Jamine & Brian Deal